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| Just for posterity so I don't forget this ever happened. A friend visited my place in Singapore and I showed him some old photos of me and my family.
Him: Ohhh helloooo..... who's this? She's hot....( pointing at a young woman in a black and white photo.)
Me: Errr....it's my mum.... * awkward laughter. Is he joking or what?*
Him: Oh...really!! Well, she IS hot.
Me: Don't worry, I won't tell her. * Cue bile refluxing into throat *
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| When I offered to be Shawn's best man/woman, primarily so I could humiliate him on his wedding day, I didn't think it was going to involve planning his stag do. Which initially I didn't think would be such a problem because you know guys are guys and normally you'ld expect guys just to get on with things. Yeah, white water rafting, clay pigeon shooting, crawling around in mud, that's all fine. Except of course when you deal with Shawn's friends, who are mostly chinese guys, who are also the sissiest, wet, fragile and difficult beings to deal with.( not all, but for the sake of entertainment and exaggeration, yes) Of course almost everyone's a doctor, so getting a date was going to be difficult anyway. Then Canon comes up with a " Could we not do anything that could leave us paralysed? " and then some random ( Shawn's friend, not mine) goes( I imagine in a high pitched sissy voice) " I agree with Canon, its too dangerous ( clay pigeon shooting and white water rafting) I don't want to do it. And neither does X ( another of Shawn's friends)" Except I'm told by Shawn that this particular friend is well muscular and very popular with the ladies. Yeah.. right... "I don't want to do it." Apart from that being incredibly juvenile. Its not YOUR stag party. So he doesn't offer any other alternatives. There's like 15 other activities he could do if he only looked at that website I emailed everyone ( hen activities included) . Why, what would he rather do? Would he like to sit in a circle and recite poetry? Would he prefer wearing pink tutus and going pony riding? Would he prefer Hen party option 2? And then going around canvassing Shawn's other friends and telling me they don't want to do it. If they didn't want to do it, they can jolly well use the mass email and tell me so themselves. Its not like I'm organising a mini holiday break for them to want or not want to do activities. And Clay pigeon shooting is not dangerous unless you point the rifle in someone's face, fool. And white water rafting in Wales is not dangerous unless you can't swim and not wear your life jacket. Seriously. Stay at home.
Anyhow, not that I'm getting stressed out organising this stag weekend or anything, its just the thought of having to deal with what seems to be potential whingebags, and thus turn into me organising a semi Hen party, having to consider everyone's feelings and being sensitive and other crap like that. I already want to beat him up. Anyhow, the only other 2 problems that I can foresee ( more of my own personal problems) are 1.) Having to deal with a weekend of snoring and body odour.( not mine) Think I'll get my own room. 2.) As it is with all my previous holidays involving sea sports/ travelling, the possibility that I will be riding the crimson tide. Which I'm also expecting on this 4 day trip to Malaysian beach resort next month because I'm lucky like that. There has been 2 distinct occasions, when i really needed my body not to be bleeding, when my womb decides to be a total ass and bleed. Like that first time I went scuba diving in the Red sea. Priscilla was like " Oh, don't worry, the water pressure will keep it from coming out." I was like "THERE ARE SHARKS IN THE RED SEA WOMAN! DON'T BE JOKING!" And then the other time when we had to go white water rafting in Aberfeldy. It was quite an amazing run with a 13 foot 2 tier drop at the end. Some guy in the raft in front of us broke his teeth or something going down that one. ( That's what I call proper white water rafting.) Anyhow, instead of feeling proper adrenaline anticipating and enjoying that run, all I could think of/ worry about was " I have 2 hours. Must change tampon in 2 hours. Crap. Where is nearest toilet? Don't want to use crappy portaloo. Crap my butt feels wet. Is that river water? IS THAT RIVER WATER? Thank goodness my drysuit's black." And I really don't want to be in that situation where I'm in the raft with all Shawn's guy friends when someone points out that there's blood in the raft and is anyone hurt? And then I go " It's only me, I'm on my period" A bit too much detail, but its that time of the month......Sigh.....Hysterectomy anyone?
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| Its been a while and I need to be true to myself and perhaps its a form of cartharsis.
I think I've decided that after the end of this year ( and once I get the completion of ACCS certification), I'm going to take a year out. Things have been tough, have been emotionally draining, have been absolutely miserable and the more time I spend in the hospital here, the more I can't stand it. The truth is that I've possibly completely isolated myself, felt sorry for myself and henceforth a vicious cycle of depression and more depression. My mood is rotten nowadays, I find myself trying to pick fights with colleagues, with my boyfriend and thinking negative thoughts, becoming paranoid. I managed to hold it together last year after I finished my MRCP exams but unchecked, it probably would culminate in me leaving a goodbye note ( and a will - but first need to check up on inheritance tax) - only probably- because ultimately I remain the coward, not of death, but of facing God's wrath. What have I done with my life? Am I using the gifts that God has given me? Or am I just wasting my time studying for titles just so I can dangle more alphabets behind my very common chinese name?
Hope- isn't something I've had for a long while. As my friends have asked me - do I see myself as a consultant anaesthetist? physician? engineer? housewife? The answer is most definitely not. However, today, ( since 8 pm) with my RCA logbook program open so I could log the last week's cases ( none of which I've done yet) I've spent about 4.5 hours surfing facebook, chatting to an old colleague and friend in a similar stage in her career. She's been brave enough to quit at the end of this year and reapply to another specialty. I looked on BMJ careers and found a thread about Medical Missions and a spiel from a Christian GP who went out to Malawi and worked out there. Came across CMF - the christian medical fellowship, MSF. Disaster aid, rural health. Read Ken's blog
www.throwastarfish.blogspot.com ( I think) , which is an amazing blog about international health and that little spark re-ignited. I keep saying I would like to go on a medical mission but I haven't really committed myself to doing so.
Everything may or may not fall into place if I take this up. I already have loads of information and textbooks on tropical medicine under my bed ( from that failed London school of Tropical Medicine diploma ) from 2009. I speak poor O-level french but can always brush up on it ( I bought a French dictionary and French grammar book in 2008). I even have that 200 pound opthalmoscope/auroscope set I bought for the PACES.
Why rural developing country medicine? Because there are hospitals in Africa that are manned by just one doctor. Because there are young people that are ill and dying with treatable diseases. Because they are so poor and unfortunate, some orphans, some abused, ostracized. Because if I had been born into that kind of place I wouldn't be where I am today, and I feel guilty. Because they need to know that they are loved and that someone cares for them. Because I have the ability to change their lives. ( here, if I don't do my job, someone else will), but over there, if I don't go help out, someone will die. Because my current practice is motivated by defensive medicine and the fear of getting struck off, and the need to illustrate my CV. Having achieved what I've achieved, it (CV) really means nothing at the end of the day ( it might help you get a job, and it is initially quite pleasant, until you realise that you have to upkeep this certain reputation your CV has brought upon you. But really, not meaningful at all)
Limiting factors - fear of the future, will I have a job? Should I train a bit more so I'm a bit more useful? Will i have a renewable passport? What happens if I get injured? Will I not just suffer the whole pain of isolation and culture shock once again? What am I going to do with my hair straightener and sony hi fi? What happens to my relationships and friendships? Will anyone come out with me? Is God with me on this or is this just a phase? My parents will kill me. (no question mark)
Lastly and most importantly, God. I haven't been good. I haven't prayed a lot. I've become insensitive to God's call. Spiritually dead, which is surprising as I know God is real and God has been uber faithful to me. So help me God. Help me be motivated for the right reasons.
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| Have packed bag to go in car just in case snowed in at hospital
Includes 1.) inflatable pillow, 2.) toiletries and extra underwear and towel 3.) pjyamas 4.) instant noodles 5.) swiss army knife 6.) lighter 7.) sleeping bag 8.) slippers 9.) medicine 10.) phone charger 11.) 1 litre water 12.) board games 13.) chocolate bars 14.) heavy boots 15.) toilet paper 16.) plastic bags ( because the tramps use them to keep warm and it works) 17.) wet wipes 18.) Last Testament and Will 19.) Mini-sealy
Bring on the snow.
Items not available yet = snow shovel
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| I went out for a game of squash in Chatham today (usual journey half an hour) from where I live. Unfortunately the sky didn't look so bad before I left and after I got to the gym it was grey but i thought, hey what the hell. it surely wouldn't snow so badly the traffic will stop in 30mins and so I had my game of squash, ran out into a sleet of snow and started scrunching my way back. Unfortunately I have 2 hills to climb ( one extremely steep one) and after stopping and stalling several times along the way back ( My Yaris didn't do too badly) Other cars were sliding and slipping and bystanders had to help push the cars on their way. Wherelse I overtook a few large Fords. ha ha, eat that 4 wheel drives. Now I reckon the snow isn't too bad I could probably make it into work in ( 2 hours) if it were to snow again. However, tomorrow it will be icy and I (might) try the roads out - in my own peril.
Damn you snow. ( But please do snow before christmas!!!!)
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